What to take away from interviews

A job interview is a very stressful experience. It requires a lot of preparation and, if at the end of it you are not offered the position, often results in that empty, desolate feeling of disappointment, not to mention an empty wallet thanks to the train fare you’ll never get back.

People harp on about them “all being good experience”. Well cheers, but my interview experience bank is pretty full to bursting right now, it’s my monitory bank that could benefit from a serious credit injection.

Something I prefer to take from interviews (in addition to the obligatory “what could I have done better” crap) is the amusing anecdotes, which for some reason seem to stick in my mind.

For example, I recently had the good fortune to be interviewed by the most demeaning character I have ever come across. It was a very relaxing experience, as half a minute in I decided there was no way in hell I was going to end up working for the man, and he came out with some pretty corking lines.

An excerpt of dialogue from minute four:

“So, what’s this Global Competition Review then? You weren’t there very long, what was that an internship?”

He was referring to the longest period of employment on my CV, so that was quite heartening.

He went on to describe his publication as “utterly global” – I’m glad I now know things can be semi-global – and then accused me of lying on my CV because I couldn’t fire off 10 QuarkXpress keyboard shortcuts. So that was pleasant.

I’ve tripped up on occasion too, of course. I was once giving a critique of a very serious business newspaper to the editor and publisher, and told them that several sections resembled the terms and conditions of a competition, they were so small and boring, and that they should really consider introducing some colour onto the features pages to lift the words off the page. They laughed. I thought, ‘oh marvellous, at least I’ve made them laugh,’ until mid de-brief, I pretty much realised they were laughing at, and not with, me.

Far and away the best one-liner I’ve come across in an interview though has to be this:

“Country Companion? That sounds like a 70s style porno for countryside dwellers.”

It is in fact a very safe round up of book reviews, readers letters and countryside news regularly published in Country Living magazine. Brilliant.

A game of numbers

Trying to land a job is exactly like trying to land a man.

If you think about it, the parallels between job interviews and dating are uncanny. Here are a few examples:

First impressions

JOB: The all-important outfit, smile and handshake combo is a vital stage in the interviewer being able to decide if you’re a fit for the company.

DATE: The all-important outfit, smile and handshake/kiss combo is a vital stage in the man being able to decide if you’re fit and a bit of what he fancies.

The chat

JOB: Making eye contact, being expressive and confident, bigging yourself up without sounding self-obsessed, making your prospective employer laugh – all qualities that will help you to shine when going for that dream job.

DATE: Making eye contact, being expressive and confident, bigging yourself up without sounding self-obsessed, making your prospective partner laugh – all qualities that will help you to shine on that dream date.

The waiting game

JOB: Did they like me? Will they call? Am I going to get a second interview? Should I call them first – just to check – or should I just be patient?

DATE: Did he like me? Will he call? Am I going to get a second date? Should I call him first – just to check – or should I just be patient?

See?

And then there’s the juggling conundrum. If, like me, you’ve forgotten how many jobs you’ve applied for over the past few weeks because there have been so many, it’s likely they will now be at different stages of assessment. Some you’ve yet to hear from, some may have invited you for a first interview, some you will have been to and are waiting to hear about a second, and so on. You weigh up the pros and cons, work out the best commutes, and consider the impact each could have on your life.

This perfectly mirrors the way we are when dating men. You juggle potential dates, first dates, second dates and maybe even going-nowhere dates just to give yourself more options. You weigh up the good points, the bad points, how easy it’ll be to get to his place, what his friends will be like etc. And the bottom line is no man need know there are any others on the scene. Although chances are he’s doing the same thing. Just like potential employers are.

It’s all just a big game of numbers at the end of the day, right?